I finally made it to Output and reconnected with an old friend. Surprisingly, we spent a bunch of the night sitting talking about fears, which were word for word the same despite our different pasts.
It's astounding what happens when you believe you don't deserve love. You focus on everything beside yourself, assuming you yourself can't be salvaged. You are dying for affection but keep everyone away at arms length because you don't want dark/toxic thoughts to ruin another person's day. You never criticize others because all your relationships have atrophied and cutting someone out will make that social circle smaller. In that spiral, you never develop an understanding of many parts of life, socially isolating yourself even further. At some point you think you're biologically flawed, and crippling insecurity creeps into everything you do and say. . I think this is the first selfie I've ever taken.